Dealing with Difficult People

 

People can be frustrating, from rude drivers on the road to co- workers whose habits annoy you to kids who won’t do what you ask them to.

 

And while I’m not saying we should just be happy with the horrible behavior of other people, letting go of how we want them to be can make us a lot happier.

 

Let’s take Marie as an example: she’s mad because her co-worker Scott snapped at her in anger and was very rude and insulting.

 

There’s no excuse for Scott’s bad behavior … but Marie responding in anger will not likely help the situation. Nor will dwelling on it angrily make Marie very happy.

 

There are a few things to note here:

 

1.      Scott is probably having a bad day. Or is just not good at dealing with stress, or expressing himself very well. Whatever the problem, it’s rooted in the co-worker’s issues, not with Marie. So she shouldn’t take his actions personally — the rudeness and anger weren’t really about her.

2.      Even if Scott had a legitimate point to make about Marie (perhaps she did something wrong), he could have made the point calmly or constructively. He didn’t, so while Marie might find the takeaway point (don’t use Comic Sans for business reports), she doesn’t need to read too much into his anger. He has an anger problem that’s about him, not her.

3.      Marie can and should respond to Scott, but responding in anger won’t help. If she can let go of the anger response (which naturally comes up), she can respond calmly and constructively.

4.      It’s not Marie’s responsibility to change Scott. She can’t force him to be a nicer person, even if she tried. Instead, she can

change her own response, which is her responsibility.

5.      However, Marie can act compassionately here, even if she doesn’t feel Scott “deserves it.” What he deserves isn’t at issue. If he’s suffering, she can be the bigger person and try to be compassionate with his suffering (and her own). This will improve the situation and possibly make them both happier.

 

Now, I realize that many people will dwell on what’s “right” in this situation. Scott is in the wrong and deserves to be punished or corrected, but definitely shouldn’t be given a pass or treated compassionately. This is the problem: our ideal about what is “right.” There is no absolute right — that’s just an ideal that we have. We have expectations that everyone act in the “right” way, but that’s not going to happen in reality.

 

Holding onto our ideals of how everyone should act — which isn’t reality — is what causes our anger, frustration, stress, disappointment. Instead, we can let go of those ideals, and accept the reality.

 

What’s the reality? Scott is suffering, has anger issues, is stressed out about something, and  acted  badly.  Marie  can  accept  this,  let go of her ideals and the resulting anger, and instead respond with compassion and calm. She can deal with Scott in an appropriate way, instead of acting out of anger in an inappropriate way.

 

Not easy, but letting go of ideals, accepting reality, and acting appropriately and with compassion can be practiced.