Dealing with Loss

 

One of the hardest things to deal with is a major loss, like the loss of a job, the loss of a house, the loss of a loved one who has died or is dying. But actually there are minor losses that we suffer from all the time: the loss of a contract, the loss of our health when we get a cold, the loss of who we thought we were when we suffer an embarrassment or failure.

 

These losses, big and small, cause us great suffering. And this suffering from loss is a part of life … but it doesn’t have to be as great as it often is. We prolong the suffering out of habit.

 

Let’s take a few examples:

 

•         My favorite coffee mug breaks. This is a loss, and I feel sad or upset when it happens, naturally. But at this point, I could let it go and move on, and my suffering wouldn’t be too bad. However, my habit might be to get mad at whoever broke the mug, and be resentful of them for awhile. Or if it just happened, I might ask, “Why did this happen to me?” And suffer for awhile, wishing the mug were whole again and the universe weren’t so unfair to me. This prolonged suffering is caused by me, not the breaking of the mug. I’m holding onto what I wanted life to be (me having a great mug), not accepting what it is now.

•         Amir loses his job. This of course is a big setback, and his life is now arguably much worse than before. And losing a job is a big blow to the ego, so Amir understandably suffers. But again, at this point, he can let go of the loss, accept his new reality (he’s without a job), and now try to figure out what to do from here. Start applying to jobs, find a cheaper place to live, sell his car and get a bike, etc. Or he could be angry at the loss, and resentful and hurt. This continued suffering will hurt his job interviews, or perhaps even stop him from taking appropriate action. He might get into a fight with his girlfriend because

he’s so resentful. This prolonged suffering is caused by Amir, not the loss.

•         Petra’s husband Tomas leaves her and files for divorce. Petra, of course, is understandably hurt and angry at this betrayal of trust, this loss of her marriage and best friend. That’s totally natural and there’s nothing wrong with being hurt or angry

— in fact, many people try to reject their feelings rather than accepting them, and this makes things worse. But after an initial reaction, she can choose to let go of what she was (a married woman with Tomas in her life) and accept her new reality (a single woman going through a divorce) and then take appropriate action, reinventing her life and herself. This can be liberating, this opportunity for reinvention. Or … she can dwell on the loss, on the betrayal, on the pain. Wish it were different. Ask why he doesn’t love her. Stalk him on Facebook and hate his new girlfriend. Wallow in pity for months, eat to comfort herself, get overweight and unhealthy, never go out on dates because she’s still stuck on Tomas and she doesn’t like herself and she thinks her body is ugly. OK, this is a bad scenario, but it does happen in various forms. Petra has hurt herself by not letting go.

•         Justin’s dad is dying of cancer. This is extremely painful for Justin, because he’s already anticipating the pain of the loss of his father in less than a year. His anguish makes it difficult to help his father through this tough time, because instead of finding ways to help his father, he’s focused on his own suffering. Instead of enjoying the time he has left with his father and appreciating his father right now in this moment, he’s thinking ahead to what is going to happen, and can’t let go of that dread. Instead, he can let go of this anticipated future, and of what he wished were true (he wishes his father weren’t dying), and accept the situation and accept his own suffering. He can accept his dying father as the only father he has (there

is no healthy father anymore), and appreciate this new father right now. He can see the suffering his father must be going through, accept this suffering, and find compassion for his father in whatever ways he can. He can be grateful for each moment he has with his father, grateful for his own health, grateful for what his father has given him over the years.

 

And so while loss can be extremely difficult and painful, no matter how big or small the loss, we can prolong or shorten the suffering depending on whether we use the skill of letting go.

 

How can we let go after a loss? Well, we can accept our feelings about the loss, first of all. There’s nothing wrong with being angry or sad at a loss. But after this mourning, we can see that we’re holding onto something in the past, an idea of what we wish life still would be, instead of accepting how life is right now. And this holding onto an idea of life, what we wish life were, is hurting us.

 

Seeing the harm allows us to let go, because we have a choice: hold on to the idea of the past and suffer, or let go and accept reality as it is, and suffer less.

 

We can then turn our attention on reality, as it is, and see the good in it. Appreciate what we have in front of us. See the opportunity for reinvention. Find compassion for ourselves and those around us who might also be suffering from this loss or other losses. Embrace the new life we have, for it is all we have.

 

This is the skill of letting go, and it helps tremendously with any kind of loss.