When Stacey of Create a Balance posted about her life balance group writing project, my first thought
was “great idea, shame I know absolutely nothing
about life balance.”
I said as much to Stacey,
but she convinced me to try and put my own spin on the topic, particularly since I struggle so much
with it. And what a struggle it’s been. In truth, until very, very recently, I would have told you I have no idea what life balance is.
None. I’m not exaggerating.
For this reason I decided
to consult a book
by Paul Wilson, who is often cited as the
Guru of Calm. In Perfect Balance:
Create Time and Space for All Parts of Your Life
, Paul defines PERFECT BALANCE
as
The “feeling of everything being just right and making
sense, when you perform at your best
and most productive without stress or distraction, when you are motivated and inspired, when
you can relax and enjoy the company of others, when you have all the time in
the world…”
I read that and
my first thought is, “Does anyone feel this way?” Because I certainly never have.
For as long as I
can remember I have been one of those people who throws herself from one extreme
to the other. When I was younger
it was 12 hour days as
a product manager balanced with boozing, popping
pills and snorting coke until I didn’t know whether I was waking up or going to bed.
Then I spent years
where I achieved some real meaning
in my life, but there was still
no balance. I was
either: working, studying and saving; or taking
off backpacking for 5-6
months. This usually involved lying around on
beaches, drinking beer, meeting new friends and exploring temples
and markets. After
recharging my batteries, I’d inevitably return home and start the treadmill all over again.
I guess there is a kind of balance
in this; a SEE-SAW EFFECT. But when I was in work mode
my most common feeling was exhaustion, which is hardly a sustainable
state.
Trying To Be The Perfect Mother
Reduced My Life Balance To An All-Time
Low
At 32, after years of this tiring, but at times
exhilarating SEE-SAW, I embarked on what would become the most unbalanced phase of
my life. Motherhood.
For the first time I went from being
a die-hard independent; a woman who had been completely self- driven for 14 years, to a woman who
gave up everything to raise my son.
Yes, EVERYTHING. All exercise, self care, my job, my own money,
my LIFE outside of Bunny.
I was so determined
to be the PERFECT MOTHER. To get everything “right”. To be there for every second of my son’s life. To have him know he was my top priority;
the one person he could always
count on.
To me, being a good mother meant
sacrifice. Lots and lots of sacrifice.
If you’re
thinking there’s a happy ending
here and I’m going to deliver a bullet point list of how I turned my life around in 10 easy
steps, well you’re going to be disappointed. I
do see the error of my ways and I now understand that HAPPY MOMMY =
HAPPY CHILD. But to say, I’ve got it all worked out, that would be overly optimistic.
Is Life Balance Achievable?
This group
writing project has come at an interesting time because I
have been consumed in recent months
with the need to balance
my responsibilities to others with my responsibilities to myself.
It has been an
at times heart wrenching struggle as I have questioned whether I am even cut out for motherhood. I have so many personal ambitions and a free spirit that
does not like to be confined.
How do I reconcile this with my current responsibilities and the needs of
the family I adore?
I have
asked myself many times what I really want out of life and so far my ideal picture of life balance
involves:
· My time
being evenly split between work/projects that are creatively fulfilling and spending quality
time with my child
· Having satisfying relationships while also taking quiet time to continue with my personal development
and spiritual studies, or just do nothing and recharge
· To have some financial security balanced with a high degree of freedom and a respect
for my adventurous spirit
· To live mostly
in a state of inner peace
· 
To
spend more time in the present and enjoying my physicality
and less time in my head
When I read
those words, I can’t help but think I’m searching for nirvana. Doesn’t everyone want this kind of life, and
realistically how many of us are going to get it? I have considered the notion that maybe the SEE-SAW is the best I can hope for. Maybe I’m just built this way - a woman of extremes.
But then I started
reading Perfect Balance: Create
Time and Space
for All Parts
of Your Life and two of Paul Wilson’s quotes leaped
out at me:
“Everything you need for a perfectly
balanced life you already have. There’s
nothing new you need, there’s
nothing you have to give up. All you have to do is rediscover
and refocus the strengths you have now.”
“Your life will be as balanced as you make up your mind for it to be.”
Aha - LIGHT BULB MOMENT. In an instant
I understood where
I have been going wrong.
Achieving life balance is about making
MORE than just physical changes
Too often people
associate life balance with a more productive combination of work, family,
spiritual and social
needs. They caught
up in thinking about the physical changes
needed to improve their lives.
But what about the internal changes?
Life Balance is MORE than Productivity and Goal Setting
and “Doing What You Love”
Meaningful life balance starts with
CHOICES. With seeing that you are not a victim of circumstance. You choose how to spend
your time, so before you start moving the pieces of your life, ask yourself:
·
What choices are you currently making? Where are your energies
currently focused?
·
Are these choices in line with your values
and priorities?
·
Where do you WANT to spend your time and focus your energies?
·
Can you choose to look at your life differently, see all that’s
right and feel good about it NOW?
I’m still moving
these ideas around in my head, but straight away I can see that my attitude
to my life is my biggest problem. I tend to wish I had the freedom
of someone who doesn’t have children
and I get stuck on the restrictions that come with motherhood. I want to be able to travel and concentrate on my writing
like I could “in the good old days”.
But what’s the
point of thinking this way? I AM a mother. I AM a wife. I’m GLAD I made BOTH these choices,
and I have never regretted them.
I envy aspects of my husband’s
career driven life, but when it comes down to it, I wouldn’t swap with
him and miss out on the bond I have
with Bunny. And if I could go back and do my life over, I wouldn’t choose to be anywhere different now.
So, starting
today I’m going to get real about my life. I am a mother of a young son and he needs me. I’m
happy he needs me. This means some of my personal goals will have to take a backseat sometimes, and life will flow a lot smoother
if I don’t expend energy resisting that.
I guess the
lesson is that life balance is an ever changing puzzle. Priorities today will
not necessarily be the same a year
from now, so I should try going with the flow more and judging myself less. I can only do the best that I can, and for
once maybe I should tell myself that my best is good enough.
How successful do you think
you are with life balance?
Are you happy
with your choices?
If not - is it your priorities that need to change or your attitude?
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