This is Part 3
of the Series titled “The key to happiness and balance is right with you, just learn to use it”. In Part 1 of the series, I told you exactly
WHY we need a framework and introduced you to the
“thinkmaya framework” foundation. In this Part 2 of the series, I talked about HOW we
prepare ourselves to be able to apply the framework successfully.
In Part 3(here), I will, with the help
of 3 thinkmaya readers, introduce the framework and discuss a few
of its applications
Learning to use the framework
In this post I
will discuss how to apply the thinkmaya framework. Three thinkmaya readers
have graciously shared their situations with us. After
giving an overview
of each of the steps in the process I follow it with how each of the
three readers would possibly apply it to their lives
and their situations.
Before I start, here are the situations as shared
by Mare, Lance and
Stacey in their own words:
·
Mare: My issue is eating sweets.
I exercise religiously Monday to Friday,
cardio and weights. I’ve
decided to increase the time and speed of my jogging, and I’m doing very well with that as well.
However, I’m having trouble transferring the
discipline that I have
when it comes to exercise, to staying
away from sweets.
·
Lance: I have a job I really like, and a company I really like to
work for. However…as much as I like it, I don’t
love what I do. What I have fallen in
love with is writing. I’m not sure if this fits what you’re looking for…
The situation then is that I’m torn
between doing what I love (without pay right now) or doing what I really like (with the comfort on a regular paycheck).
My present region is probably in thoughts.
I have been thinking about this quite a bit. I want this problem to
become an opportunity to expand into work that I love. It’s difficult because I happen
to really like
where I’m at currently in my life. All
around, where I’m at is a good place.
But I also know it could
be better. The question for me becomes how do I move confidently toward whatever “better”
is for me.
·
Stacey: With everything going on in my life, my house is a clutter
magnet (there is no time to clean up
after everyone). I feel frustrated. I
try to pick up a little every day. I
tried a professional organizer (she helped but she’s not a long term solution). I think I’m in region 4. I want
to feel a sense of serenity from my home (not a sense
of clutter and chaos). My destination is a happy core based on your framework.
Using the framework
Using the
framework essentially means following some steps that will help you inch closer to your goal. The crux of the framework lies in the step where you analyze/act. Each of the steps are equally important
as noted in the descriptions below.
·
Move away from the problem
for sometime - mentally, physically and emotionally
·
In order to help you do that, choose
activities that are in a different space
than the one you
are in now.
The way I see
it, “detach” is the very first step to finding a solution to any problem/situation. It follows from the fact
that disengaging ourselves
is the first and essential
step towards an unbiased analysis of our situation. It is about creating a distance and removing ourselves
from the situation physically, mentally and emotionally.
This is certainly not an easy task when we are “stuck” in the middle of a problem
but it is entirely possible
by letting our thoughts,
emotions and actions help each
other out. For example, if we are dealing with an emotional situation with
another person and want to detach
ourselves emotionally, we have to first create a physical distance from the person you are dealing
with. If we are consumed by our thoughts, we
cannot stop thinking by thinking more. It has to be done by choosing an
activity that probably involves our
emotions and actions (see activity matrix below). For how long should we
detach? Depends on the intensity of your problem.
Depends on how long you
take to feel ready to deal with the problem. Emotional issues are the ones that require the longest
time to detach.
·
Mare: Mare should remove all sweets(and hence temptation) from her surroundings such as her home and her
office. (Remember this is not a long term solution
and is not expected to work long term. This is just step 1). Removing the temptation will lessen the possibility
that Mare will be upset by her actions and hence
give her some space and time “away” from her problem. For an indirect approach, Mare should also make sure that
she nourishes her body at regular intervals
with sufficient carbs and fruits. Starving yourself of what the nutrients her body needs will push you closer to the
problem by creating an intense desire to eat
sweets. (If there is an emotional component that causes Mare to want
sweets she should try to distance
herself from that as well. For the sake of simplicity, I am assuming there is no emotional component here.)
·
Lance: Lance has been thinking a lot about writing. Thinking a whole
lot. But Lance needs to give this
thinking a break knowing that a solution will come. He needs a break
from his thinking
so he can realign his approach. Perhaps
the solution for Lance here is to get consumed with
something at his work or create a new goal for
himself that is not writing related. In his case it might be as simple as
taking a shower or watching a movie.
Whatever it takes to get ready to change gears on dealing with this situation.
·
Stacey: Of all the three people here, it looks like Stacey is the one
most in need of creating detachment.
Stacey’s mind is cluttered as the result of the clutter in her home. Stacey needs to
create a sanctuary for herself in order
to be able to deal with
her issue. A room. A desk. A
corner. Some physical space away from all the clutter. She needs to create that space, go away and have fun for a day
with something physically intense activity and come back mentally and emotionally refreshed.
·
Accept your situation. Promise cooperation.
·
Give yourself a reality talk.
This is where
you further detach through a specific way - by “letting go”. This is where we tell ourselves, “It is okay, perfectly
okay to be in this situation”. It is complete
acceptance of ourselves and the other person without a second question.
This is the point where we forgive
everyone involved in the situation and really get ready to act on the problem. This step is critical - you
cannot work with yourself if you do not accept
yourself. What if we are not able to let go? What if we cannot forgive?
This essentially means that we have not “detached” sufficiently from our problem.
We need to go back to step 1. (None of the examples provided below involve multiple
people but it should be noted that “detox”
is hardest when multiple people are involved
in a situation)
·
Mare: Millions of people have a sweet tooth and millions more have
dealt with it. The reality is that it
is not easy to transfer the discipline of exercise to eating directly. The truth is that the motivators are what need to be transferred and the discipline will follow (easier
said than done).
·
Lance: Lance probably already knows this but it is a great situation
he is in. He has 2 things in life - a
thing he loves to do and a thing that brings him money. But he is also going through something a lot of people
do at some point - a conflict
between what they love and what
brings money.
·
Stacey: Stacey has kids and she works from home. And she works a lot.
Stacey should tell herself that it
is totally normal to have a cluttered home in such situations. Kids have more stuff and kids rarely help with
cleanup.
Step 3 : Define
·
Set your goals.
·
Keep them realistic. Keep them achievable
Once you have
detached yourself from the problem temporarily and accepted your situation, take a few minutes to define
what you want. List both the tangible and intangibles goals here. If you are dealing with an issue regarding another
person define what is
most important at the end - your relationship, how you feel,
how the other
·
Mare: What does Mare want to achieve?
Does she want to eat sweets mindfully? Does she want to eat just a couple of sweets a week? Does she
want to stop eating sweets all
together?
·
Lance: Lance needs to decide what is important to him at this point.
Does he want to start writing
right away? Does he want to create
the best possible
future for himself
even if it takes
a couple of years?
·
Stacey: Stacey needs to define what she means by wanting a sense of serenity. What spaces
matter most to Stacey. What kind of clutter
is unacceptable?
·
Use the framework picture. See where
you are and where you
want to be.
·
Set a strategy
for moving towards
your goal.
·
Use activities that involve
the dormant member/members of your governing body in order
to secretly (mostly)
tease yourself into the happy core.
The next two
steps are ones that take time since this is where the real problem is attacked. These two steps will also be
repeated over and over again until you are done dealing with whatever you are working on. Change always comes in
small steps and so it is here as
well. Analyse /act can be considered one step since they are so intricately connected to one another. When we are so
caught up in a problem it is really hard to think
up a solution. Moreover, just thinking up a solution rarely solves a problem.
Acting on it is just as important.
Here is real truth: “thinking” really involves thinking with your heart, head and gut (body) which implies
that thinking and acting are often overlapping
activities. Analyze/Act is therefore a continuous effort
to slowly but steadily inch towards the solution.
It is iterative - Think -> Act -> Accept/Reject -> Think -> Act ->
Accept/Reject …
1. Analyze to see which region you lie
in. After step 1 and 2, the answer to this might
differ - so be aware of that.
 |
2. If you are
in a combined region (4, 5 or 6), you are stuck rather firmly between two of your three components. (Remember I called
the heart, brain and body the members of your
internal governing body). More often than not, two of the three members here
are strongly bound and are helping
each other and you slide the downward spiral. The distant third member is rarely heard in this case. In such
cases, you have to tease yourself out
of your spiral slowly, using the third member to pull the dominant members in the direction you want – slowly and
one at a time. For example, if you are in region 4 and feel stuck between your emotions and thoughts, then your
solutions will be achieved by choosing actions
(the third member)
that involve emotions
and actions that involve
thoughts. Use activities that are in the thoughts/emotions box (to tease your thoughts in the right direction) and the
actions/emotions box (to tease your actions in
the right direction).
Mare and Stacey
seem to be in combined regions. Mare is a victim of her thoughts and actions. I have made some assumptions here
but it seems like she is telling herself it is
wrong to eat sweets but is acting
contrary to it. She does get upset but only AFTER she has consumed the sweets. Mare is stuck
firmly between her thoughts and wrong actions
with no emotional component(my assumption) to
either of them.
Stacey here is
caught between her thoughts and emotions. She is mostly
upset with the clutter in her
home. She is not able to
really think beyond
that since the physical clutter
1. If you are
in a pure region, you have been strongly consumed by one member of the governing board – the acting Hitler. In
this case, you need to choose activities that
involve only the other two members
(and give acting Hitler a break).
Lance is in the
region of thoughts. He has thought a lot about his issue, which is great. But my guess is that he will not feel a
sense of fulfillment unless he acts on his thoughts
or makes an emotional commitment to all the thinking he has been doing.
He has probably been thinking his
situation so much that he probably needs a break from the thinking to get a truer perspective of his
situation. It is time to do that. With time he will get a better sense of he “feels” about his writing and what
writing involves in the long run. The
little action steps here might redefine the situation for Lance and/or just
inch him towards a long term solution.
·
Mare: As mentioned before I believe Mare is in a combined region of
thoughts and actions. She knows that
eating sweets is wrong for her but she is having a hard time controlling her actions. What is missing here is the
underlying emotional
connection/current between her actions and her thoughts. Some emotion/thoughts activities that could help Mare are
·
Reading as much as she can about how bad sugar is for the human mind and
body. Read extensively and read material that is thought provoking and
shocking (in order to evoke emotional responses). I do not know what
Mare’s motivation for exercise is but she needs to work on
transferring the same motivation here. Is she afraid
of being fat and unhealthy? Is she rewarding herself in a positive way?
·
Watch documentaries that relate to health and diet.
Visuals have more of a lasting emotional
impact. Identify the biggest fear with respect
to the ill effects of sugar and hang on to it to prevent from eating too many sweets
Some action/emotion activities would be:
·
Cooking healthy. Enjoying other foods. Make a ritual
of eating healthy. Try to really
enjoy the act of eating other foods such as fruit. Think of times when she has sugar cravings and pre-plan an
emotionally satisfying activity such as eating
a favorite fruit while reading
the best blogs etc.
·
Complement eating less sweets with drinking lots of
water. This is great and it works
for me. I carry water bottle with me at all times and it works like a security blanket. I enjoy the ritual of taking a
break and filling my bottle. Water feels great
for the body and
skin and I have started
to believe it has a big hand in helping
me maintain my weight
as well.
·
Say no. Voice the emotions and talk about how bad
sweets are for her with everyone - just as she would talk about how good it feels to exercise.
Talk about her your
little achievements
The main idea for Mare is to
find her underlying emotions and use them appropriately.
Mare is extremely well read and it should not be hard for her to find a lot of repulsive material
explaining the ill effects of sugar. Since she is already exercising she should work on finding the emotional
motivators behind her discipline for exercise. Finally,
at moments when she cannot
seem to control her desire
for sweets, she should have some “feel good actions” that she can turn
to.
·
Lance: Lance is stuck in think-land. He needs to immerse himself in
activities that involve
actions and emotions. Ideally, the actions
will involve something he will make a part of his future (writing) and
something that will explore him giving up the
seemingly unimportant(his present job). By noting his emotional response
to these activities. Best thing to
do is to get intensely involved in action/emotion activities such as:
·
Create a dreamboard. Talk about the things
that really matter
(not the writing,
but how you like to feel
etc) with your spouse.
·
Write your emotional/financial goals in life.
Talk to family
about what kind of a future they are looking
forward to.
·
Talk to writers about their life and lifestyle (not about writing). Ask them about their
best and worst times. Is this the life you look forward to?
·
Do not think about writing but choose a writing
project(to make money) and just write. Take a week of vacation
from your present
job and write
as you would write if you decided to pursue writing as a career.
·
Is there a project that involves writing
at the present job? Can that be picked up?
The main idea for Lance here is
to stop thinking about his choices and create
situations to start “acting and feeling” as if he has already made
certain decisions. Like giving
himself a trial run. If these activities give positive feedback then Lance takes bigger and bigger steps towards his
goal of becoming a writer such as slowly
increasing his writing
work and reducing
the hours at his
present job. Or if he
gets a very good feeling from his trial
projects he could decide to just quit his full time job if he believes
he has the financial cushion to do that.
·
Stacey: Stacey’s home and mind are cluttered. She is upset. She is
consumed by her thoughts and emotions. She desperately needs
to balance her life out with some actions.
·
First and foremost,
Stacey needs to act on acting by getting rid of 80% of
the items in her home. Boxing
it away would be the easiest. Put away most of the clothes, toys, dishes and knick knacks. We probably use just 20%
of the stuff 80% of the time, so
Stacey should be just fine. And she should do this knowing that it is temporary and she can get anything
out of a box if she really wants to.
·
With much much lesser stuff around the house, Stacey
is ready to now take baby steps to
solve the real problem and make it a lifestyle. Stacey is ready to get consumed by action/thought and
action/emotion activities. Stacey needs to take
about 10 - 15 minutes every couple of hours and do something that makes her “feel good”. Turn on the music and
iron a couple of clothes. Put half the laundry away. Wipe a counter clean and shiny.
Take joy and notice the little
actions of cleaning
she is doing. Take her mind away from focusing
on a clutter free home to
focusing on a clutter free counter, a clutter free table and a clutter free room. Celebrate the clean space by
putting just one object there - such as the reflection of her authentic self.
·
Try to do mundane activity
like iron clothes
while thinking about creative ways to
get kids to participate in cleaning the house. Hire a sitter for an hour
everyday and tackle cleaning the high
priority areas while the kids are kept busy. Take 15 minutes before going to bed and
tidy up. Box away any unnecessary lurkers.
The idea for Stacey here is to
choose activities that do not just involve cleanup but end up feeling like a break in her day. Her focus should be
away from the clutter and on the little clean
spaces and sanctuaries that she is creating. She will never have a completely clutter free
home but she can reduce the clutter and create
clutter free spaces. Stacey’s progress might be slow but she will certainly succeed if she 1. boxes away 80% of her
stuff and 2. focuses on the good feeling behind
what she has already cleaned and takes focus away from the existing clutter.
It is important
to note that this step could take weeks, months or years. Monitor your progress
with every new activity you try. Stick with the ones that work and discard what does
not. Redefine your problem and/or your goals as and when you think appropriate. Be very mindful
of what effect
your choices are having on your initial goal.
·
Take pride in your achievements but store memories
of the uphill battle.
·
Recognize familiar landscapes and act quickly.
·
Treat the core of the issue, not the symptoms.
In business
strategy terms this would be called “raising barriers of entry”. Once you have worked on a problem and are close to
a solution you have to safe guard yourself from the problem attacking you again. Awareness
is the single most effective
way for us
to do this. Do
not get paranoid, but learn to notice small signs that the problem may be creeping back. This is easier than we
think. Since we have done all the work and made the progress up until then in small steps of analyze/act,
falling backwards just puts us in a
landscape we recognize well. Awareness of the landscape should kick us back
into action mode. Secondly, take great pride
in your progress
and achievements. Talk about it and accept it when people give you
complements. When we take pride in something
we have accomplished we tend to naturally safeguard it. The sense of
satisfaction we achieve while working
through a problem is the greatest motivator for us to keep the problem/situation away.
Have you had
situations that Mare, Lance and Stacey have talked about? What has worked for you? Do you think this framework applies
in your life? Share your thoughts and ideas here.
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